Harry Potter and the Poltergeist's Plothole
by I AM ZE BETA
Summary: Crack! Multishot! Umbridge goes too far during detention and kills Harry! But what will happen when the Boy-Who-Lived becomes the Boy-Who-Lived-Twice? Poltergeist!Harry! Harry Peeves and the Weasley twins will get their revenge on Umbridge and ruin her school. Plots, pranks, and fun abound! ON HIATUS UNTIL NEW PROJECT TAKES OFF.
1. The Incident

**A/N: Just an idea me and my bud had. I will write this when my muse is gone for both Mind Lords, and my own Original Content story The Psy-Wars.**

At five to five Harry bade his two friends goodbye and set off for Umbridge's office on the third floor. When he knocked on the door she called, "Come in," in a sugary voice. He entered cautiously, looking around.

He had known this office under three of its previous occupants.

In the days when Gilderoy Lockhart had lived here it had been plastered in beaming portraits of himself. When Lupin had occupied it, it was likely you would meet some fascinating Dark creature in a cage or tank if you came to call. In the impostor Moody's days it had been packed with various instruments and artifacts for the detection of wrong doing and concealment. Now, however, it looked totally unrecognizable. The surfaces had all been draped in lacy covers and cloths. There were several vases full of dried flowers, each one residing on its own doily, and on one of the walls was a collection of ornamental plates, each decorated with a large technicolor kitten wearing a different bow around its neck. These were so foul that Harry stared at them, transfixed, until Professor Umbridge spoke again.

"Good evening, Mr. Potter."

Harry started and looked around. He had not noticed her at first because she was wearing a luridly flowered set of robes that blended only too well with the tablecloth on the desk behind her.

"Evening, Professor Umbridge," Harry said stiffly.

"Well, sit down," she said, pointing towards a small table draped in lace beside which she had drawn up a straight-backed chair. A piece of blank parchment lay on the table, apparently waiting for him.

"Er," said Harry, without moving. "Professor Umbridge. Er - before we start, I - I wanted to ask you a… a favor."

Her bulging eyes narrowed.

"Oh, yes?"

"Well, I'm… I'm in the Gryffindor Quidditch team. And I was supposed to be at the tryouts for the new Keeper at five o'clock on Friday and I was - was wondering whether I could skip detention that night and do it - do it another night… instead…"

He knew long before he reached the end of his sentence that it was no good.

"Oh, no," said Umbridge, smiling so widely that she looked as though she had just swallowed a particularly juicy fly. "Oh, no, no, no. This is your punishment for spreading evil, nasty, attention-seeking stories, Mr. Potter, and punishments certainly cannot be adjusted to suit the guilty one's convenience. No, you will come here at five o'clock tomorrow, and the next day, and on Friday too, and you will do your detentions as planned. I think it rather a good thing that you are missing something you really want to do. It ought to reinforce the lesson I am trying to teach you."

Harry felt the blood surge to his head and heard a thumping noise in his ears. So he told 'evil, nasty, attention-seeking lies', did he?

She was watching him with her head slightly to one side, still smiling widely, as though she knew exactly what he was thinking and was waiting to see whether he would start shouting again. With a massive effort, Harry looked away from her, dropped his schoolbag beside the straight-backed chair and sat down.

"There," said Umbridge sweetly, "we're getting better at controlling our temper already, aren't we? Now, you are going to be doing some lines for me, Mr. Potter. No, not with your quill," she added, as Harry bent down to open his bag. "You're going to be using a rather special one of mine. Here you are."

She handed him a long, thin black quill with an unusually sharp point.

"I want you to write, I must not tell lies," she told him softly.

"How many times?" Harry asked, with a creditable imitation of politeness.

"Oh, as long as it takes for the message to sink in," said Umbridge sweetly. "Off you go."

She moved over to her desk, sat down and bent over a stack of parchment that looked like essays for marking. Harry raised the sharp black quill, and then realized what was missing.

"You haven't given me any ink," he said.

"Oh, you won't need ink," said Professor Umbridge, with the merest suggestion of a laugh in her voice.

Harry placed the point of the quill on the paper and wrote: _I must not tell lies_.

He let out a gasp of pain. The words had appeared on the parchment in what appeared to be shining red ink. At the same time, the words had appeared on the back of Harrys right hand, cut into his skin as though traced there by a scalpel - yet even as he stared at the shining cut, the skin healed over again, leaving the place where it had been slightly redder than before but quite smooth.

Harry looked round at Umbridge. She was watching him, her wide, toadlike mouth stretched in a smile.

"Yes?"

"Nothing," said Harry quietly. Inwardly his mind was racing. _Where had Umbridge gotten that Blood Quill? And could he use this to get the toad bitch fired?_

He looked back at the parchment, placed the quill on it once more, wrote I must not tell lies, and felt the searing pain on the back of his hand for a second time; once again, the words had been cut into his skin; once again, they healed over seconds later.

And on it went. Again and again Harry wrote the words on the parchment in what he soon came to realize was not ink, but his own blood. And, again and again, the words were cut into the back of his hand, healed, and reappeared the next time he set quill to parchment.

Darkness fell outside Umbridge's window. Harry did not ask when he would be allowed to stop. He did not even check his watch. He knew she was watching him for signs of weakness and he was not going to show any, not even if he had to sit there all night, cutting open his own hand with this quill…

"Come here," she said, after what seemed hours.

He stood up. His hand was stinging painfully. When he looked down at it he saw that the cut had healed, but that the skin there was red raw.

"Hand," she said.

He extended it. She took it in her own. Harry repressed a shudder as she touched him with her thick, stubby fingers on which she wore a number of ugly old rings.

"Tut, tut, I don't seem to have made much of an impression yet," she said, smiling. "Well, we'll just have to try again tomorrow evening, won't we? You may go."

Harry turned to face Umbridge, "Professor, I feel that I should tell you something before I leave."

Her toadish face stretched into an even wider grin, "Yes Mr. Potter? What is it you would like to tell me?"

Harry chuckled lightly "I am going to send a pensieve memory of this detention to both Professor Dumbledore and the Minister himself! That Blood Quill is a banned object, and the possession of one will land you in Azkaban for 300 years!"

Umbridge's clammy face paled. "You foolish boy, you wouldn't dare! I was going to let you live filthy halfblood! But now…now, I will have to silence you Potter."

Harry backed up; feeling the rough stone abruptly hit his back. He plunged his right hand into his pocket, flinching as the raw skin scraped against the coarse fabric. He pulled his wand out, and leveled it at Umbridge. "Stay back Umbitch! Let me leave, and I'll let you live!"

A sinister laugh left the Defense professor's lips. "Yes, and what do you think a boy like you could do to me, a fully trained witch?"

Harry faltered. She was right, what could he do? He was 15, and despite her grotesque body, the bitch had plenty of magic at her disposal, he could feel it now, rolling of her toad body in waves.

"Do you see Potter? Surrender your wand, and I'll make it quick, if you resist, I'll torture you first."

Harry switched his wand to his left hand and anxiously wiped his right on the hem of his robes, before switching the wand back. "I'll never surrender toad! I've killed one professor, wiped the mind of another, and watched a third one get Kissed in front of me. I've got a pretty good track record with outliving my Defense teachers."

"Fine then Potter, you leave me no choice." Umbridge said, that same sickening sweetness in her tone. "The Cruciatias might make you change your mind. CRUCIO!"

Harry rolled aside, the red curse impacted against the wall behind him. He raised his wand again. "EXPELLIARMUS!"

Umbridge simply batted the spell aside with her wand. "You've got to do better Potter. CRUCIO! CRUCIO! CRUCIO!"

Again Harry tried to dodge, but his ankle got caught by the torture curse. He fell to the ground as the dreaded torture curse began to work. His skin felt as if it was simultaneously being shredded and flayed. Against his will, a terrible scream left his throat, but it served only to leave another avenue for the magic to travel and destroy.

Umbridge held the spell for a good half-hour, relishing in the screams of pain from Harry. "You should be proud Potter. The Longbottoms only lasted for 10 minutes when I used this spell on them, its been 30 already. However, it is getting late, and I need to prepare for school tomorrow. After all, not everyone can look this good, it takes time."

Harry lay against the ground, panting. The aftershock of the curse kept him pinned in place awaiting his fate.

"Good bye Mr. Potter, it's been terrible to know you I'm afraid. AVADA KEDAVRA!" The sickeningly green bolt slammed into Harry's body, and he knew only blackness.

**A/N: How'd ya like it? In the words of my IRL buddy Stormplains. .Review.**

**P.S. Any X-Men Evolution fans should read her story D-Factor. I'm her Beta for that, and she is the reason this account exists.**

**P.S.S Any ideas for pranks can be reviewed or PMed to me, and i will consider them. If they make the cut, you will be credited, no worries there!**


	2. The Prank

**A/N: Here you go guys, the next installment of the Poltergeist's Plothole! Many thanks to those who have read and reviewed, now enjoy!**

When Harry next awoke, he was in a world formed solely of shapeless white smoke. _Where am I? _He asked himself, _What is this place?_

His eyes fell upon his right hand, where previously the skin was scraped raw and red; it was smooth and unblemished, as it had been the day he was born. Slowly, Harry hesitantly ran his fingers over the rest of his nude form. The scar on his right calf, left from Aunt Marge's bulldog Ripper? Gone. The numerous scars on his back from Vernon's belt? Gone as well.

He gently stroked his now scar-free forehead with wonder. At last he was free, at last, Voldemort's hold over him was no more.

After a time, Harry began to feel self-conscious about his nudity, and wished for a set of robes to appear. One did, materializing in a neat pile at his feet. He quickly donned the snow white cloak, and let it fall around him, restoring his modesty.

Almost immediately after his robe settled around his shoulders, two figures began to emerge from the infinite mist. At first only their shapes were visible, but soon Harry could see the flame red of one's hair, and the pitch black of the other's. As they approached, he recognized the figures, and kicked himself for how long it had taken him to realize.

"Mum! Dad!" He screamed, running to meet them. As he skidded to a halt in front of his parents, tears of joy began to fall. He pulled his mother into a hug, shamelessly sobbing into her pure white robe. "How? How are you alive? Where is this place?"

A low laugh came from James Potter's throat. "Typical boy, you don't even say hi to your old man before you start jabbering."

Harry released Lily, and embraced his father. "Dad. You're alive! How did it happen? How did you survive Voldemort's attack?"

Lily's quiet calm voice answered. "We didn't my dear son. You have joined us in the realm of the dead."

Harry reeled backwards from the shock. Slowly, all too slowly the memories of his last minutes of life came back to him. "Oh God, I did die, Umbitch killed me."

James chuckled at that. "That my son is a nickname worthy of the son of a marauder. I graduated with Delores, and even then she was toadish. Rumors spread quickly about her rapid ascension to Senior Undersecretary of the Minister, but nobody truly believed that Bagnold would have slept with Delores, and despite his idiocy, Crouch was too afraid of his ex-wife to cheat on her."

"Why am I here?" Harry asked. "If this is the realm of the dead, where is everybody else?"

"I was incorrect when I said that Harry," Lily answered. "It is better to think of this as the point between worlds. You see, unlike most you have a choice in life. When Delores cast that dreadful curse, it separated your soul from your body, killing you. However unlike most, you had more than 1 soul and that is what granted you a tether of life."

Harry just stared at his mother. "More than one soul? How is that even possible?"

James answered this time. "Magic son, the Darkest and most vile kind. When the curse rebounded, a piece of Voldemort's soul split off and attached to you, it is why you feel pain when he is near, and why you have those dreams. 1/128th of Voldemort's soul rested in yours, but then in your second year, you fought a shade of Voldemort, a piece of his soul left inside his school diary. And when you destroyed it's housing, it bonded with soul piece in your scar."

"So now I have 2/128ths of Voldemort in me?" Harry asked. It made him feel unclean, and unconsciously, he started to rub his forehead, in the spot that his scar used to be in.

"Actually," James corrected. "You had 65/128ths since the first time he split his soul was for the diary, it had a full half soul in it. And when Delores' curse tore your soul out…"

"…it attacked the first soul it could find." Harry concluded, "So why am I here then? If only Voldemort's soul was destroyed, then I should have lived. Unless…some of mine was as well."

Lily nodded sadly, "You have 65/128ths of your soul left intact, and your body cannot survive without a full soul."

"But Volde—" Harry started.

"Used a Dark ritual to enhance his body's durability, your old body is dead, and no body can sustain your soul now." Lily interrupted. "On the bright side however, with more than half of his soul destroyed beyond repair, Voldemort was killed too. Delores actually did us a favor in her own way."

"You said I have a choice!" Harry shouted. "But all you've said is that I'm dead, and I can't go back!" He sat on the smoky floor, tears welling up in his eyes. "All I've ever wanted is to be normal, and I can't! I've never even kissed a girl, but now I'm dead, and I'll never get to!"

"Nobody ever said you couldn't go back Harry," Lily said calmly. "You will not have your body, but you will have access to your magic, and you can interact with the world around you. You will become a—"

She was interrupted by the sound of gigantic fireworks exploding. The rockets left a green haze in the air, which then came together to form... "A POLTERGEIST!" Peeves shouted as he finished assimilating. "This is going to be the bestest! I've finally got a new friend, and his name is POTTY! AHAHAHHAHAHA!"

The poltergeist started dancing in the air as he sang.

"_Potty and Peevsie,_

_They're rather cheesy,_

_But they're the bestest,_

_Better than the restest!"_

Having finished his song, Peeves swooped down to Harry. "So Potty, have you made up your mind? You can die, come back as a boring old ghost, or you can be the bestest buddy to the bestest poltergeist in the bestest castle in the whole wide world!"

Harry looked to his parents for support. "It's your decision Harry," James said. "But this will be your chance to finish growing up before you have to come back and live with us for all time. Besides, as a poltergeist, you can switch between worlds at a whim, and with Voldemort dead, you've got nothing to worry about, other than driving that toad bitch out of the castle!"

His mind made up, Harry turned to the poltergeist who was idly twiddling his thumbs and humming to himself. "I'll do it Peeves; I'll come back with you."

"Oh goody!" Peeves said dancing again. "This needs a song." He cleared his throat,

"_Potty and Peevsie,_

_They're rather cheesy,_

_But they're the bestest,_

_Better than the restest!"_

Harry winced at the grating noise that Peeves made. "Let's just go Peeves; it's been a long day."

Lily chuckled at that, "Oh this day has only begun Harry; poltergeists can't sleep, so for you this is the first and last day of your un-life."

Peeves grabbed Harry's arm. "Let's go Potty, we have so much havoc to cause, poltergeists are required by law to do prank everyone in the castle at least once a year, and that filthy freaky Filch won't even know what hit him." Here he cupped his hand around his mouth and whispered in Harry's ear. "It's gonna be me, but don't tell Filchy, we don't want to spoil the surprise. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

With that, Peeves Apparated the two of them back to Earth, appearing with a pop in the defense classroom. The hundreds of cats all awoke with a start and started meowing loudly "Quiet you! C'mon Potty I need you to pull out your wand, you're the one with magic, you dummy."

"But I don—"Harry started, but was interrupted by Peeves pushing the back of his head until his neck hit his chest. He was in the clothes he had died in, although they were oddly transparent like the rest of his body. "I guess I do have my wand after all, thanks Peeves."

"Please call me Peevsie." The poltergeist said with a bow. "It's the bestest name ever! Now pull out your wand!"

Harry drew his phoenix feather wand, lighting up the tip with a simple 'Lumos.' "What's the plan Peeves? Do you have anything you want to do to Umbridge tonight?"

"Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes! It's gonna be the awesomest thing you've ever seen! First, Switch the toad's ass cheek with a whoopee cushion, one of the auto refilling ones, they're the funnest!"

Harry nodded and waved his wand, "ABEO!" Mentally he focused on Umbridge's ass, and a self refilling whoopee cushion, feeling the pulse of magic that signified success, he turned to Peeves, and said: "It's done, what's next."

Peeves swooped around the room. "Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! That toad better watch out, Potty and Peevsie are on her tail! WAHOO! Take that Umbitch!"

"Peeves!" Harry snapped. "What is the next prank for tonight? Or, will we call it a day?"

Peeves floated up next to Harry, "Oh no, it's never a day after only one prank! We've got a lot to do still. FOLLOW ME!"

He flew through the office door, and led Harry out onto the 2nd floor. The two poltergeists flew up to the 5th floor, and through a painting of a cat to reach the living quarters of one Delores Umbridge. The inside of her rooms were covered with even more doilies, and pictures of cats. A framed photograph of Umbridge posing with the Minister for Magic Cornelius Fudge was sitting on a cabinet. Harry examined it, and saw lipstick stains around Fudge's face.

"Eww gross. Peeves come check this out." Harry said.

Peeves floated over. "Ooh gross? I love gross, gross is the bestest kind of stuff." Upon seeing the picture, Peeves just shook his head. "That's nothing, come look at what I found."

Harry followed him over to the side of the room, where a huge picture of a slaughtered werewolf hung. A knight in shining white armor stood with his foot on the back of the creature, and his sword raised. "What's so gross about that Peeves, it's disturbing, but still…"

"No, no, no. Potty pay attention!" Peeves lifted the painting off, and behind it was a large safe. Peeves reached through the safe, and pulled out a thick leather-bound book. "I found this thingie last month. Here look at it."

Harry slowly cracked open the large tome, before hastily snapping it shut. He wretched violently, sending ectoplasmic vomit all over Umbridge's sitting room. "What the fuck Peeves! Why'd you do that! That was absolutely revolting!"

Peeves grabbed the book, "What don't you like toad porn? Let's see, here's Umbitch fucking Fudgie, he deserves it too, he tried to outlaw poltergeists in Britain, luckily DumbOldWhore stopped him. Ooh, Umbitch fucking a whale, Umbitch fucking herself, damn, for a toad she really is flexible. Whoah! Can you even do that with a cricket bat?"

Harry grabbed Peeves' hair. "If you don't shut up about what's in that book, I'll refuse to help you with another prank again."

Peeves began to cry, "Why? I thought we were going to be bestest buddies forever and ever? You're nothing but a slimy double edged snake!"

Harry gulped, "Peeves." The poltergeist ignored him, and rocked back and forth sobbing violently. "Peeves, I promise I won't stop helping you, just stop crying!"

Peeves sniffled, "Really?" He jumped into Harry's arms, pulling him into a hug. "You're the best Potty, really. The bestest friend a ghost could ever want. But…" He reached up, and grabbed Harry's nose. "Got your conk! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Harry just rolled his eyes, "Alright Peeves, what's your big plan for her now?"

"Oh it's going to be marvelous! We Stick her legs together, and then she can only frog hop around the castle, and we spell a toad speak potion into her, so that she can only croak while she hops, and with every hop, the whoopee cushion goes off!"

A grin worthy of a Marauder slowly spread across Harry's face. "Perfect my dear Peeves, perfect."

Stepping through the door to Umbridge's quarters, Harry stopped, and vomited again. "Eww, that was gross."

Again Peeves perked up at his favorite word. "Gross? Here I come!" He flew straight through the door, and Harry could hear him talk, "What's so gross about th—"

He corkscrewed back through the door, a transparent hand shielding his eyes. "POTTY! That was awesome! I'm going back in."

Harry idly followed, wondering if Peeves had seen what he had. Umbridge was laying flat on her back, naked as the day she was born. Her stubby left hand was buried inside of herself all the way up to her elbow, and she was groaning in her sleep. "Oh Corny, right there. Oooh that hits the spot, come on Corny, you said you'd make me cum for every dementor that I sent out against the Potter boy."

Harry's hand fell from in front of his eyes as the new information made itself known. He fingered his wand slowly. "You will pay for this Umbitch. Your dementors ate my cousin's soul, and then you tried to arrest me for it. One day…you will know the meaning of fear, but until then…AGGLUTINO!"

The sticking spell hit Umbridge's thigh, and Harry grimaced at what he would have to do next, tucking his wand away, the young ghost grasped his former teacher's arm, and slowly pulled it out, wincing at the squelching sounds. After almost 5 minutes of careful pulling, Harry removed the last of her wrist with a soft pop.

Slowly, ever so slowly, Harry pushed Umbridge's legs together, and as soon they met, the flesh Stuck together, and would remain so for 24 hours. Finally, he grabbed the vial of Frog Speak that Peeves held out to him, and poured it down her throat.

"There Peeves, it's done. Now let's get out of here before she wakes up, it is almost dawn." The two poltergeists flew up through the ceilings, all the way up to the Astronomy Tower. "Here should be fine, there are no classes until 9:30 tonight."

Peeves mischievously rubbed his hands together. "This was the first of many nights, tomorrow we will do even better, I wanna do something huge, like turn Gryffindor tower bright green!"

"Hey!" Harry protested. "I can't do that, what would my friends think?" A sudden melancholy fell over him, _What will they think? I am a ghost. A prankster that is required to catch all of the First Years with at least one prank a year. Will I lose their friendship by having come back?_

Peeves just scoffed. "C'mon Potty, turn invisible we need to spy on Umbridge's reaction, the aftermath is always the best."

**A/N: Coming soon to a website near you THE AFTERMATH! Ok, joke's over, on a more serious note, I am looking for a Beta reader. Yes, I realize the irony of that with my penname. If you are interested, PM, or drop a review!**


	3. The Aftermath

**A/N: I HAVE RETURNED! That's right! I'm back, and fortunately, summer's here, and with it more time to write! As always, thanks to those who read, reviewed, favorited, or PM'd, about the story. **

**Yes, I am aware that I misspelt Dolores last chapter, and I'll eventually go back to fix it, but for now bear with me. **

**Also, I started a Facebook page, I AM ZE BETA - Fanfiction .net, without the spaces. at /PoltergeistsPlothole. Sorry, FF screws with the formatting something fierce. **

Harry stared blankly at Peeves. "Turn invisible? How do I do that? I've only been a poltergeist for a few hours, I don't know how to do any of this stuff."

Peeves idly danced around the stone room as his sing songy reply came. "Don't be so thick Potty, you're a poltergeist now, just concentrate about it and it will happen. Just like how you were able to fly before, or how you walked through the walls. Concentration is the key to a poltergeists magic. Watch me, and try to mimic it."

As Harry watched, Peeves' face screwed up in concentration. At least Harry thought it was concentration, before he hurriedly wrenched his mind away from that line of thought. With a soft pop, Peeves gained a thick greenish tinge to his translucent body. "See Potty, I'm invisible! Well at least to anybody else, you'll just see me as having a different color since I've keyed you into the magic."

Harry stared in fascination at the poltergeist, "Invisibilty," he breathed. "Just like Dad's cloak!" As he reached in awe for the older poltergeist, a small green chunk fell from the frayed edges of Peeve's pants. Harry flinched and backed away from the poltergeist.

"Oh bugger!" Peeves shouted, "I hate being allergic to being invisible, as soon as people can't see me, I start shitting my pants! For a creature of mayhem like myself, leaving a trail of proof as to my presence in an area of chaos is unacceptable!" As Peeve's rant continued, a long green stream of liquid…waste…fell from a hole in his shorts, and hit the ground with a splash. A couple of drops from the stream missed the ground however, and landed on Harry's glasses.

The Boy-Who-Returned leapt backwards away from Peeve's, and suddenly found himself on the outside of the Astronomy Tower, having jumped through the wall. To his shock, Harry started to plummet, his body falling towards the castle grounds.

As he fell, Harry suddenly recalled that he could fly, and with great effort, managed to right himself in mid-air. His efforts were for naught, as even with fighting to stay aloft with everything he had, Harry was still slowly sinking. "What the hell?" He screamed aloud, "Why the fuck can't I fly?"

As Harry struggled to stay in the air, a low swooshing sound caught his attention. He turned to look at the source of the noise, and suddenly, a piece of transparent wood hit him in the balls, sending him crashing down again, unable to sustain his efforts to fly.

Having heard Harry's shout, Peeves gently floated from down from the top of the tower, coming to a stop floating a few feet above him. The ghost laughed gleefully whilst clapping his hands, inadvertently causing more of the green…stuff to fall onto Harry. "Dummy Potty! Everyone knows that you can't fly until you've been a poltergeist for a year and a day! Silly silly Potty!"

Harry gingerly managed to return to a sitting position, the green puddle falling onto the grass as Harry moved. "What do you mean? I was able to fly before, remember?"

"Oh Potty, what are we going to do with you?" Peeves said, shaking his head sadly. "You could only fly because I was sharing my power with you. I was hoping to take it away while you were over the girls' bathroom, but _no_ Potty has to fuck with Peevsie's plans doesn't he?"

Harry just groaned, his hands still clutched his waist protectively, and the discarded assailant on the soft green grass next to him. "And the puddles…?" Harry prompted.

Peeve's voice dropped low. "Peevsie is allergic to being invisible; it makes me feel all shitty. But it's fun, because only ghosts can see invisible poltergeists, and so I can fly all over the castle shitting on everything. The humans can't see it, but they can smell it."

That tidbit caught Harry's attention, as he carefully returned to his feet. "Wait, they can smell it? Can they taste it? That would make for a great prank."

Peeves shrugged nonchalantly, "I dunno, but it would be fun to find out."

Harry just shook his head, before picking up the shard of wood that had struck him. "What the hell?" He muttered. On one side of the polished shaft was gold lettering reading Nimbus 2000, and on the other…

"Property of Harry Potter, Gryffindor Seeker." Harry read aloud. "Peeves, is this the ghost of my old broom?"

Peeves just chuckled. "No dummy, objects don't have ghosts, that's just a figment of your imagination, much like Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, or Canada."

"Then what is it?" Harry wondered.

"The ghost of your old Nimbus." Peeves said idly. "I thought you'd already figured that out?"

"But you sa— you know what? Fuck it, let's head to the Great Hall, and see the aftermath of our night of chaos Peeves." Harry said.

"Oh yay!" Peeves exclaimed. "This needs a song."

_"Potty and Pee— _Ouch! That bloody hurt!_" _

Harry had swung his broom and whacked Peeves upside the head. "If you must sing, then at least sing a different song Peeves, you've sang that one twice already."

Peeves huffed indignantly. "Well fine then, I will."

_"The best part of a prank is the aftermath!_

_It's better than a muddy bath!_

_I'd like to watch the toad bitch squirm,_

_While I munch on a rotted worm!_

_And now today she'll get to learn, _

_While our prank's effects churn_

_Not to mess with Peevsie and Potty, _

_Because they're all snotty!"_

Peeves finished with a dramatic bow. "Well Potty, what do you think? Is it better than the last one?"

"How is that even a song? It made almost no sense Peeves." Harry said. "Whatever, breakfast is about to start, and I'd imagine that Umbridge is waking up, let's go and watch her reaction to the pranks."

"Oh goody!" Peeves cheered. The green poltergeist swooped away, disappearing into the castle walls, leaving Harry behind.

"That damn poltergeist," Harry muttered. "How am I supposed to get there now, I can't fly, and the stairs will take forever." In his right hand, his forgotten broomstick vibrated once, before pulling away from him and hovering above the ground, ready for Harry to mount it.

Shrugging his shoulder, Harry swung his leg over the broom, and with barely a thought, shot off towards Umbridge's quarters, turning invisible as he did so.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

He arrived outside the cat portrait only minutes later. He had forgotten the sheer joy of riding his Nimbus, the Firebolt may have been faster, but the Nimbus had been his first broom, and aside from Hedwig, the first gift he could recall receiving, the sheer sentimental value made up for the speed difference.

Harry dismounted, and walked through the portrait, and was met by the sight of Peeves flipping through that damned photo album again. "Damnit Peeves," He hissed. "Put that shit away, if Umbitch comes out here, and sees her photo book floating in the air, she'll immediately know that it was a ghost who did this shit to her!"

Peeves glared at Harry for a second before snapping the book shut, and returning it to the safe behind the picture of the slaughtered werewolf. "Potty I—"

Harry shushed him quietly, and pointed at the door. On the other side of the massive oak, a high pitched wail could be heard, the sign of an alarm charm going off. Umbridge would awaken any second!

Harry gestured at Peeves to follow him, as he floated through the door. On the other side, Umbridge started to stir. She rolled her grotesque body, and the whoopee cushion went off for the first time: PPPPWWWWTTTTPPPP!

The sound exploded through the room like a gunshot, and Umbridge shot straight up, only to fall flat on her face, unable stand with her legs stuck together. She gingerly tried to stand up, but once again fell down, landing on the whoopee cushion again. PPPPWWWWTTTTPPPP!

Again the sound caused Umbridge to leap up, and again she fell down. She managed to get herself into a squatting position, crouched with her hands against the floor, and looked exactly like a toad.

She opened her mouth to speak, and the only sound that came out was: "RIBBET!"

Peeves floated over to Harry, and whispered into his ear, "Switch her into the Great Hall, everybody will crack up."

"Abeo." Harry murmured, concentrating on Umbridge and the air in front of Dumbledore's chair. With a soft pop, Umbridge disappeared, and Harry could hear laughter suddenly erupt from the Great Hall several floors down.

Peeves shot down through the floor, leaving a glowing green trail for Harry to follow. The young poltergeist mounted his broom and followed after Peeves, meeting up with him floating above the house tables.

Umbridge was still in her toad position, a look of fear on her face, her clothes torn to shreds by the Switching spell, and scattered across the floor. Laughter was echoing throughout the hall, as Umbridge's ribbets continued.

All of a sudden, the laughter slowed and a low murmur spread through the Hall. Harry glanced around to see what everybody was talking about, but only saw himself and Peeves, who still glowed green, reassuring Harry that the ghost hadn't given them away too soon.

A voice came out from the Hall. "Harry? What happened to you?" Hermione was standing on the House bench, an accusatory finger pointed at him. With a jolt of fear, Harry looked down, only to see that at some point his invisibility had worn off, and everybody in the Hall could see him.

"Well, fuck." Harry swore.

**A/N: Sorry for the short chapter, but chapter 4 should be out soon, no more several month long breaks. I finally have access to a computer at home with a word processor, and I have way too much time on my hands not to write. **

**I'll update the Facebook page as I work on this chapter, sneak peeks, spoilers, and author/reader interaction. Any prank ideas can be PM'd to me, posted on the Facebook page, or reviewed. As always, thanks for reading. **

** -I AM ZE BETA**


	4. The Band of Eternal Pranksters

**Hey Y'all! I'm back again with another installment of Harry Potter and the Poltergeist's Plothole! The Facebook page is really taking off. If you want access to the same sneak peeks, special content and direct to the author connection, you know where to find it! Special thanks to reviewer Ursus for Harry's brilliant response to Hermione. As well as reviewer Albionia whose kind words pulled me out of my funk. NOW ON WITH THE SHOW! **

**A/N: In this AU, Dumbledore's Army was formed with minimal resistance from Harry, and was thus active prior to Harry's first detention with Umbridge. **

Harry looked out at the sea of faces. He caught the eyes of his friends one by one. Neville staring in awe at him. Luna giving him a nod of understanding. Ron giving him a thumbs up. Ginny smiling brightly at him, and Hermione was still standing on the bench.

"Well? What do you have to say for yourself Harry?" She demanded.

"Er…" Harry stammered. He looked down, desperate for an out, his eyes landed on his broom that was somehow still invisible. A sudden solution struck him, one that would only work if his friends would help out.

"I'm not actually Harry Potter. I'm a Patronus. Ginny's Patronus to be exact. She achieved it earlier tonight and wanted to show it off." He mentally crossed his fingers hoping that the girl wouldn't give it away.

Ginny's smile darkened into a scowl, but thankfully she nodded in agreement. "That's right Hermione, I succeeded with the Patronus Charm! Ever since Harry saved my life from Voldemort's diary in the Chamber of Secrets, he's been my definition of a protector."

The inadvertent affirmation of the events of the Chamber of Secrets caused the entire room to explode into chatter. Harry attempted to use the distraction to escape, but was interrupted.

"Hem-Hem." Umbridge's voice cut through the cacophony. "Miss Weasley, there is to be no magic outside of the classroom. Get rid of your Patronus."

The crowd turned to stare at her. In the confusion, Umbridge had somehow managed to reverse the multiple pranks, and was standing tall at the front of the House Tables.

Ginny hesitated momentarily, and Umbridge's voice sharpened dangerously. "Now Miss Weasley, or it will be detention."

Harry watched as Ginny drew her wand and leveled it at him. "Finite Incantantem" Harry tracked the shield-shaped wand movement, and as the red bolt approached him turned invisible. Hopefully to an onlooker it would appear as if he was released by the spell.

"Thank you Miss Weasley." Umbridge said. "The rest of you maintain order and return to your feast." She stepped back to the High Table, and resumed her meal.

Harry floated over to Ginny, and subtly whispered into her ear. "Thanks. I promise I'll explain it all to you soon."

He soared up and away from the crowd, gesturing towards Peeves to follow him. The duo hadn't made it 10 feet above the second floor before Harry dismounted the Nimbus, and whipped it around into Peeve's skull with a mighty FHWACK.

"What the fuck! Why didn't you tell me that my invisibility was gone?"

Peeves rubbed his head gingerly. "Damnit Potty! That really hurt!"

"Answer the question Peeves." Harry said raising the broom warningly.

"Shan't say nothing unless you say please." Peeves sing-songed.

FWACK! The broom handle caught Peeves in the waist and he doubled over. "I'm not in the fucking mood Peeves." Harry growled. "The entire school saw me, and now I have to let Ginny in on my secret. Just answer me. Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't invisible?"

"I dunno." Peeves shrugged. "I thought it would be funny."

When Harry raised the broom again, Peeves cowered. "I'm sorry Potty, but I'm a poltergeist. It's my duty to cause havoc wherever I go. When you cast that spell, your invisibility faded. It was too good an opportunity to pass up."

Harry stood over Peeves, hot blood pumping in his ears. The adrenaline pulsing through him wanted him to bring the broom down across Peeve's body again and again until the foolish poltergeist wouldn't be able to move, let reveal Harry's secret to the school. The small rational part of his mind knew that it was a bad idea to hurt his only ally. Slowly he lowered the broom and let it drop to the floor. "Just don't jeopardize my existence for a prank again Peeves. There hasn't been a poltergeist in 2000 years, the secret was thought to be lost forever. If they find out that I somehow managed to become a poltergeist, they'll do whatever it take to get the secret. Even kill me"

Harry crouched down to Peeves' level and offered a hand. "Friends again?"

"The bestiest." Peeves agreed taking Harry's hand and hauling himself to his feet.

Harry picked up his Nimbus from the floor, "Sorry Peeves, it was the heat of the moment. I promise not to make a habit of hurting my friends."

"A-Hem!" Peeves snarled. "Bestiest friend! That's B-E-S-T-I-E-S-T. Not just your regular friend, your bestiest friend."

"Right." Harry drawled. "Bestiest friend."

"And do you know what bestiest friends need Harry?" Peeves prompted. "A Super-Secret Super-Special Hideout! We can use it to hide when we're doing pranks, and use it to keep all of our supplies, and for the annual Eternal Pranksters Slumber Party!"

"Wait! What?" Harry cried.

"Potty! Don't tell me that you don't know what the Eternal Pranksters Slumber Party is!" Peeves exclaimed.

Harry shook his head.

"Every year, all of the ghostly pranksters of Hogwarts gather together for a slumber party." Peeves explained.

"Wait. There are other ghostly pranksters in Hogwarts?" Harry asked. "The only prankster that the students know about is you."

"It's all Filch's fault." Peeves whined. "No matter what anybody else does, he blames it on me. Nobody suspects the Gray Lady of pranking anybody, she can float around, silently plotting, but no because she doesn't speak, it's immediately blamed on poor pitiful Peevsie."

Harry lay a comforting hand on Peeves' shoulder. "I understand what you've gone through Peeves."

He hesitated, and then continued. "When I was growing up, my Aunt's family raised me. No matter how many times my cousin did something wrong, it was always blamed on me, simply because they knew that I was different. As much as I tried to win their approval it was completely out of my reach." He and Peeves shared a knowing glance before Harry snapped his fingers.

"But we can use this to our advantage! If the Headmaster suspects you for everything, these "Eternal Pranksters" can wreak havoc throughout the school!" Harry realized. "But in order for that to occur, you're right. We need a Headquarters to stage our operations out of. With all of the pranksters of Hogwarts operating as a single faction, we can have pranks on an unprecedented scale!"

"Peeves, I think I know where we can have our hideout. Gather all of these Eternal Pranksters and have them meet us outside of Moaning Myrtle's bathroom at dusk. Meanwhile, I'll be exploring this potential base of ours."

Peeves corkscrewed off through the ceiling with a whoop, and Harry shook his head. "The shit I get myself into." He muttered.

Picking up his broom he mounted it and headed off to Myrtle's bathroom. He turned himself invisible as he sped through the door, not wanting to deal Myrtle fawning over him like she had done the previous year in the Prefect's Bath.

He pushed the Nimbus into a dive through the broken sink marking the entrance to the fabled Chamber of Secrets.

He leveled out at the end of the filthy pipe and sped through the first stretch of tunnels, barely paying attention to the basilisk skin. As he approached the cave in caused by Lockhart a few years previously, Harry slowed. He hesitantly dismounted the broom, unsure how much further the corridor continued beyond.

Cautiously stepping through the pile of rocks, Harry saw that the massive stone door decorated with 7 snakes remained open. He wondered at that, as he vividly recalled the door swinging shut behind him as Fawkes carried him out of the chamber.

He slowly descended the ladder into the main chamber. The basilisk's corpse lay undisturbed from where he had killed it. Harry mentally congratulated Salazar Slytherin for his preservation charms. Almost three years had passed, and the massive snake's body looked barely hours old, the rot and decay had not yet begun. As his eyes scanned the chamber, he could see the blood glistening off of the fang he had pulled from his own arm, and even Voldemort's diary sat untouched in a pool of its own ink.

Harry crouched over the diary, and hesitantly dipped two fingers into the puddle of ink. He met no resistance, and was awed that the liquid had yet to dry. Suddenly, he heard the scraping sound of stone grinding upon stone. Whirling around, he saw the great maw of Salazar Slytherin rise, and a figure stepped out. Green eyes met blue, and Harry snarled: "YOU!"

The figure chuckled. "Indeed. Me."

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Harry came back through the Myrtle's door shaking off his invisibility as he did so. Peeves was floating outside, drawing on the wall with white chalk, underneath the bloodstained messages that Filch still hadn't been able to remove. He would try every few months, and the halls of Hogwarts would be filled with the sound of furious scrubbing, and frustrated grunts. The majority of the students would gather outside the bathroom to watch the spectacle.

Peeves turned as he heard the _whoosh_ of Harry's entrance. "Potty! You made it! You told me to be here _hours_ ago!" He whined. "I got bored, so I left Filchy a present." He gestured towards the chalk drawing.

Rough stick figures labeled Filch and Mrs. Norris were marching up and down the short hallway, as Harry watched, a speech bubble appeared above Filch. _Oh Mrs. Norris!_ It read. _I've got a reward for all your hard work!_

The two stick figures began to gyrate in ways that Harry was certain weren't humanly possible, and he felt bile churn in his throat. "Peeves…" He started. Then he shook his head, certain that it wasn't worth the effort.

Harry instead addressed the rest of the assembled ghosts. "Spirits of Hogwarts! You should all remember me as Harry Potter: The-Boy-Who-Lived! I was slain by none other than Professor Umbridge, within these very walls! We may have had our differences in the past, but now we are bound to one goal! Help Hogwarts be the best it can be! While some of you may not agree with mine and Peeves' methods, you cannot deny that the school was better without Umbridge! I propose a deal, we form an alliance, temporary though it may be: let us remove the caricature of scholarship known as Umbridge from these walls. If we can remove Umbridge, Peeves and I vow to take the blame for any and all pranks you may wish to do to the school! No matter how stupid, heinous, or pathetic, we will take the blame! Now who stands with me, and who stands with Hogwarts?!"

Harry felt his transparent face flush as he finished, he hadn't meant to sound so pompous, but it appeared to work, as the chorus of ghosts erupted in cheers. The Bloody Baron banged an iron fist over his breastplate. The Grey Lady whistled shrilly. Nick flopped his head back and forth in celebration. And Moaning Myrtle, pulled her bra through her robes, and swung it over her head.

"To be a proper unit, we need a hideout." Harry continued. "And I have just the place: The Chamber of Secrets!"

The four ghosts fell silent. Peeves however grabbed all of the other ghosts, and flew through the door, and down the sink to the Chamber.

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The band of Eternal Pranksters were chucked one after another in the depths of the main chamber. Harry and Peeves jumped down seconds later. Harry addressed the rest of the group. "And now for the newest member of our little ga-"

He was interrupted by the sounds of scales scraping against stone as the gigantic corpse of the basilisk was bodily hurled across the room.

"Tom Marvolo Riddle."

"Jr." The former horcrux added.

**Thanks for reading! Anybody have any thoughts as to how Harry should pretend to be alive still? Or should he just admit his death and get Umbridge arrested? One thing's for sure with the son of a Marauder recreating his own band of Eternal Pranksters, Hogwarts is about to get a whole lot more interesting. Sorry about the wait, hopefully the next one won't be as long, but I can't guarantee. **


	5. Gryffindor Tower

**Hopefully this wait wasn't too bad right guys? Thanks for all the reviews so far, a lot of the prank ideas make it into the story, you guys are certainly funnier than I am! Warning, this chapter is where the story starts to earn its M rating, if you don't want to read it, consider yourself warned. Enjoy! **

**I stole Myrtle's last name from one of the first fics I read, but I couldn't find it earlier. Thanks to whoever wrote it!**

At the sight of her killer, Myrtle sprung forward, her transparent fist sank into the ghostly Riddle. "You son of a bitch! I'll see you exorcised!"

To his credit, Tom didn't even flinch as Myrtle pummeled him. "You're right. My deepest regrets Miss Frisbee, for my role in your untimely demise."

Myrtle was so stunned that she actually paused in her assault.

"In my youth," Tom explained. "I was a vile soul. I was perverted by the darkness I found in Slytherin house, and by the then Transfiguration Teacher, Albus Dumbledore. Throughout my 7 years at Hogwarts, he raped me no less than 200 times."

There were gasps from the assemblage of ghosts, and Harry saw tears form in Myrtle's eyes.

"This all culminated in the monster known as Lord Voldemort. 3 years ago in this very chamber, I merged a small portion of my soul with Ginevra Weasley. The rest of the diary was absorbed by Harry here." He said with a gesture towards the poltergeist.

"The pure unmitigated innocence of Ginny is what saved what was left of my soul. With her I saw innocence in the world, and saw that there was truly good left in it. And then, 2 nights ago, I felt the remainder of my evil leave this world, but within the protection of Ginny I was able to hang on. I left my haven and returned to this chamber, intent on searching for answers to the rest of my soul's destruction."

"I've had 3 years to process my life, and recover, and I can honestly say this." He drew a slim yew wand from the depths of his robe and raised it. "I Tom Marvolo Riddle Jr. swear on my existence, and the remainder of my magic that I have fully renounced the evil of Voldemort. I wish only to continue my existence in Hogwarts, and leave an impression on the future generations of witches and wizards. SO MOTE IT BE!"

A white flash of light accompanied his vow, and Tom lowered the wand. "I can never ask you to forgive me for what I've done Miss Frisbee, but I ask that you allow us to move on from the cause of your death, and continue the rest of our time together as allies."

With a wail, Myrtle flung herself at Tom. "Don't worry about it Tom! I'm angrier that I never realized what you went through while we were in school together! Please forgive me?"

Tom flinched at the embrace, but awkwardly wrapped his arms around Myrtle, patting her shoulder. "I cannot accept your forgiveness Myrtle, the crime was too great. And for you, there is nothing to forgive."

Myrtle squealed, tightened her grip on Tom, and started pressing sloppy kisses to his face. "Thank you Tom! Thank you!"

Tom's transparent face flushed, but he gingerly placed a return kiss onto Myrtle's forehead.

Peeves' cackle ruined the moment between the two, and both ghosts jumped back away from one another.

"Anyway." Tom said with embarrassment. " The short of it is that I have all of Voldemort's memories, all of his knowledge, and none of his evil. I also still have access to a small portion of my magic, and can use it without issue."

Harry stepped forward. "Thank you Tom. Now I believe it is time that we call the first meeting of the Eternal Pranksters to order."

"Here's our agenda for the first meeting." He said. "First we need to figure out potential targets in the school. Obviously, Umbridge is the primary target, but when pranksters gather together in this magnitude, we will not hold ourselves to one person."

Several of the ghosts clambered to speak, but Harry silenced them with a sharp whistle. "Following the decision on targets, we will brainstorm potential pranks, whatever you've always wanted to do, but never had the backup to do successfully. And lastly, we need to come to a decision on Ginny Weasley, she has agreed to back up my claim of being her Patronus, but she demands answers, we will discuss what to tell her, and how detailed."

"If there are no questions," Harry continued, "Then we will begin with the first item on the agenda: Targets."

With a gesture of his wand, Harry turned one wall of the chamber pitch black. He also snagged the lump of chalk that Peeves had used up on the second floor, and wrote in large letters: UMBRIDGE.

"Does anybody else have ideas for targets?" Harry asked. "This can be as narrow or as wide as you'd like."

"Dumbledore." Myrtle hissed. "He hurt Tom, so he's on the top of the list."

"Each of the four houses." Offered the Grey Lady. "If we prank all of them, then their mistrust of one another will grow, fostering more and more resentment, and possibly chaos within the student body."

Faster now, names were tossed around.

"Filch."

"Snape."

"McGonagall."

"The Weasley twins."

"That Malfoy boy." The Baron scowled. Everybody stopped to stare at him in shock. "What?" He defended himself. "The little prick has it coming, he helped tarnish the once great name of Salazar Slytherin."

More and more names were added to the list, until Harry called it to a halt. "Alright, here is the list as it stands."

" Umbridge. Dumbledore. Ravenclaw. Gryffindor. Slytherin. Hufflepuff. Filch. Snape. McGonagall. Gred and Forge. Malfoy. Any Ministry officials. Pomfrey. Hooch. The quidditch team. Hagrid. Flitwick. The Greenhouses. And Trelawney."

"This will be our default list of targets, if we decide to add more at a later date, we will." Harry used the chalk to box off the list, before shrinking it and putting it into the corner of the makeshift blackboard. "Next, prank ideas."

"I vote that we take away Dumbledore's sense of taste." Nick suggested. "He's always eating those damnable lemon drops."

"How about we give Umby and Snape love potions?" Peeves said. "Then they'll fuck in the Great Hall, it'll be wonderful."

At the mental picture brought forth by that suggestion, Harry retched violently. "Not a fucking chance Peeves, we want pranks not torture."

"Give McGonagall catnip?" The Grey Lady added.

"Love potions?" Peeves tried again.

"Make everybody's cock talk to them?" Threw out Myrtle. "Or maybe prank the showers to turn everybody's clothes invisible. Or take pictures of ourselves naked, and post them in the common rooms. Enchant a dildo to try to pull the stick from Granger's arse?"

When everybody stared at her, Myrtle was quick to help her case. "I've been a hormonal teenage girl on my period for 50 years, I spend a lot of time thinking about sex."

All the males save Tom flinched at the "P" word. "Really?" He wondered aloud. "I'll bet I can help take some of that horniness away."

Myrtle swooned at his admission, before leaping atop him, frantically tearing at his clothes.

"Love potions on Umbridge and Snape?" Peeves said again.

"Use a potion on the twins to keep them from speaking to one another?"

"Possess Malfoy's mirror, and tell him he looks hideous?"

"Love potion?"

"Change the labels on all the ingredients in the potions storeroom?"

"Enchant chocolate frogs to follow Umbridge around?"

"Convince Umbridge that a dementor asked her out?"

"Tell Pomfrey that Hooch has genital warts?"

"Rig a bludger to destroy the quaffle?"

"Replace all the school brooms with muggle brooms?"

"Get Hagrid high, and set him loose in the kitchens?"

"Convince Malfoy that he looks like a house-elf?"

"Charm everything to get bigger as Flitwick tries to use it?"

"Summon a mud golem to stalk the hallways?"

"Turn Gryffindor tower bright green?" Everybody turned to look at Tom as he re-entered the conversation. He was shirtless, and holding hands with Myrtle.

"We can't do that!" Harry protested. "I am a Gryffindor, I refuse to allow our first public prank to be on the members of my own house."

"That's why it's perfect Potter." Tom said. "Umbridge won't suspect that you are still around, the school get a warning that the Eternal Pranksters are back. Plus Dumbledore has to worry about being removed from the school, and exiled if he can't bring us under control."

"I still don't like it." Harry argued. "Houses are supposed to be your family, McGonagall said so in my first year here."

"Fine Potter." Tom said. "We'll put it to a democratic vote. All for?"

"Anything you want Tom." Myrtle said breathlessly.

"It is the wisest move." Added the Grey Lady.

"I'll side with Helena on this one. 'Tis the wisest course of action." The Bloody Baron grunted.

"You are blinded by your Gryffindor bias Harry." Nick cautioned. "Tom is right, anything else would be too grandiose for a first attempt, and if we target Gryffindor, Umbridge will not suspect your return."

"I like green." Peeves said happily.

"Fine." Harry muttered. "We'll do it your way. We'll meet here in the chamber at curfew. Until then, meeting adjourned."

Part of him knew he was being petty as he watched the rest of the pranksters disappear off towards their regular hauntings, but he wished that he had won the argument. Eventually the news would break, and then his friends would know that he had sided with enemy so to speak.

With a sigh, he leaned back against the wall of the Chamber, and waited for the long hours to pass.

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After 4 hours, Harry came to a magically sound conclusion: waiting for time to pass as a Poltergeist sucks! He wasn't able to sleep, and while the carvings of the chamber were interesting to examine once, 600 times later, he couldn't care less about the architecture.

He pulled himself up to his feet, and picked up his broom. He needed to do _something_, so he decided to explore; after all, it was the Chamber of _Secrets_, and while the basilisk was a pretty damn big secret, it wasn't plural. His first thought was to head to the nest of the Basilisk and see what was in there.

So he moved to stand by the gargantuan statue of Slytherin, and after a moment's concentration, began to speak in Parseltongue: _Speak to me Slytherin, greatest of the Hogwarts Four you conceited old bastard._ While the last part wasn't strictly part of the passphrase, Harry wasn't in a charitable mood.

The massive stone mouth slid open with the grating screech of stone on stone. Harry mounted his Nimbus, and slowly rose up to the opening, before descending to the newly opened landing. He followed the stone path into the walls of the chamber, he'd half expected to find a network of tunnels leading to Slytherin's private library, and other such treasures. Instead, all he saw was a gigantic snake den.

A winding ramp opened up to the night sky far above, and was presumably how the Basilisk left to hunt. Several shed skins decorated the den, progressively showing the growth of the monster. Harry shivered, despite the warmth of Slytherin's ancient heating charms. Evidently, he hadn't wanted his pet to freeze to death during a harsh Scottish winter.

Desperate to leave the disturbing scene, Harry mounted the Nimbus, and sped back down the ground level of the chamber. He instead chose to explore the dark walls, hoping to find something to occupy his time.

After several hours, he had found something. Etched into the wall behind the ladder that descended into the Chamber was some kind of diagram. With a whispered "Lumos" his wand tip flared, illuminating the drawing.

It was a map of the chamber, complete with labels. The entrance was marked, as was the main chamber, the basilisk's nest, and five of the side tunnels. The five tunnels were listed on the map as Slytherin, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Headmaster.

Harry wondered what the tunnels led too, and with a quick tempus charm decided that he had time to explore. He committed the map to memory, and stopping only to pick up his broom headed to the tunnel marked Headmaster.

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Following the diagram led him up a massive flight of stairs, so many that Harry was confident he was at the peak of one of the towers, miles above the chamber. The stairs leveled out to a long hallway, and Harry followed it until it turned into a smooth wall.

"DAMNIT!" Harry shouted smacking the wall. "I FOLLOWED THAT FUCKI—" He was interrupted as the wall slid aside, revealing a small window looking into the Headmaster's office.

Harry willed himself invisible, and clambered through the window, out into the headmaster's office. He turned to look at the window he had come through, and saw that it was a large landscape of Hogwarts and her grounds. He recalled the same painting in both common rooms that he'd seen, and realized what it meant. Slytherin was a sly bastard alright, he'd built himself secret passageways into the sanctuaries of the founders, not even his successors as headmaster knew of his path to the Chamber.

Dumbledore was sitting at his desk flipping through a yearbook, class of 1945. "Oh Tom." He sighed, staring at the picture of the Head Boy. "I've never found another like you, despite how I've tried. The Creevey boy was close, but he lacked that darker edge you had. At last, I feel that Dolores might finally be able to fill the role you left."

At the thought of Umbridge and Dumbledore, Harry fled back into the safety of the Chamber tunnel. With a tempus charm, he realized that he wouldn't have time to explore the other tunnels before meeting the others in the Chamber.

Instead, he made his way down the tower, and returned to the main chamber to await the others.

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As the great clock struck midnight, the band of Eternal Pranksters approached Gryffindor Tower. "Here's the plan," Tom said. "Harry, we are the only ones with magic, we can either do all of the work ourselves, or we can use pooling spells to share the magic with the others. With the seven of us casting instead of two, we will be done quite a bit faster, but the choice is yours."

"We'll share the magic." Harry answered immediately. "I'll take Nick and Peeves, can you cover the other three?"

At Tom's answering nod, Harry raised his wand, focusing on the targets of his spell. "Stagnum!" Immediately, he felt the drain on his reserves as Peeves and Nearly Headless Nick each took a third of his magic.

"Now we enter the tower and begin to paint." Tom continued, "Helena, Myrtle, you take the girl's tower, we can't enter, even after death. Nick, you and Baron take the boy's tower, you have the most experience as a ghost, Peeves, you're with me and Harry in the Common Room. Let's go."

The gang stepped through the portrait, before splitting off.

"Alright then." Harry said. "Peeves, figure out how to blame this on the Slytherin, Tom I'll do the green, you do the silver."

Tom nodded and raised his wand. "Pigmentum Argentum!" The throw pillows on the couch changed from gold to silver, the crimson weave shifting to green.

Harry in turn cast at the scarlet wall. "Pigmentum Viridis!" He kept casting at every red surface in the room, he'd never before realized just how obnoxious the common room was. The red was everywhere, oppressive, inspiring bloody violent thoughts. By contrast the green was soothing, relaxing even.

After several minutes of furious casting, Harry lowered the wand, panting. The additional drain of Peeves and Nick was taking more out of him than he'd expected. He leaned back against the emerald plushy armchair, and glanced around.

Tom had already finished painting the room silver, and had moved on to the dorms to help Nick and the Baron. Peeves was being Peeves. He had arranged the throw pillows into a giant snake and animated it. The cloth serpent was currently coiled by the fire, but as Harry's eyes raked past it, it stirred. "THIS DORM BELONGS TO SLYTHERIN HOUSE!" It boomed. "LEAVE FOOLISH GRYFFINDORS!"

"Subtle Peeves." Harry snorted. "They'll have to think real hard about who did this."

The older poltergeist beamed. "Thanks Potty! I even made up a song for the occasion!"

Harry flinched, but Peeves didn't even hesitate.

_Hissy hissy little snakey_

_Slither on the floor_

_You be good for Peevsie _

_Or he'll feed you no Gryffindors_

"Peeves? What are you doing in Gryffindor tower?" Ginny stood at the base of the stairs, a crimson bathrobe wrapped around her shoulders. Her eyes raked around the room landing on Harry. "Harry? Did you do this?"

Harry sucked in a breath. He'd intended to discuss the situation of Ginny with the others, but he'd forgotten. "Err…"

**Muhahahaha a cliffy, I must say, they are quite fun to leave lying around. **

**What should Harry do? Tell Ginny? Kill her? Call in his life debt? Review and lemme know!**

**I think I might be the first author to have a Myrtle/TMR pairing, but I think they fit together nicely in this story!**

**Yes, Peeves' song is (mainly) taken from HBP, it fit so well I had to include it. Some of you seem to be confused as to the rating of the story, yes it will eventually be Harry/Harem, but not until the end. Until he regains his humanity, it will be pretty dry on pairings, however the sex will still occur. Any guesses as to who? **

**As always, looking for prank ideas, I've used several in the story already, and others are in my notes for upcoming chapters, so thanks to those who've reviewed and left their thoughts! **


	6. Chapter 6

**Back again my friends, I'm excited by where this story is going, I don't have much of a plan in mind besides the final chapter, but I'm sure we still have a ways to go! **

**Special thanks to reviewer Ursus who has been a constant since I started this story, and with each review left, my notes get thicker and thicker. (Besides, name one other person who will leave a 1k+ word review! I've written **_**chapters**_** shorter than that!)**

**In my AU, the position of High Inquisitor was given to Umbridge at the beginning of the year, but she didn't exercise her authority until she could properly discredit Dumbledore. (As you'll see in this chapter.)**

"Well?" Ginny repeated. "Did you do this to the common room?" As she spoke, she came further down the stairs. "And what is the rest of the story you promised me?"

"Err…" Harry stammered. "I'm not sure what you mean?"

"Tell me what happened to you! Explain why you look like a ghost, or I'll scream and bring McGonagall here." Ginny threatened.

"Fine." Harry said with a sigh. "It started with my detention with Umb—" He interrupted by the sight of Peeves springing up behind Ginny, a comically gigantic mallet in hand.

FWACK! The mallet crushed the redhead, splitting her skull in two. Blood, brains and shards of bone all mixed together in a puddle of gore onto the emerald carpet. Ginny's eyes rolled back into what was left of her head, and she was no more.

Harry just gaped, opened mouthed at Peeves. The older poltergeist was floating above the ground, the oversized mallet resting in the pool of Ginny, a gigantic smirk on his face. "Good, that problem is no more." Peeves sneered.

"What the fuck Peeves! We've got enough problems, and now we've got a fucking BODY to deal with!"

Peeves shrugged. "You had a problem, I fixed it. You're welcome."

The rest of the Pranksters came floating down from the ceiling at the sound of Harry's yelling. "What happened?" Tom demanded.

Harry just pointed at the puddle of Ginny in explanation.

Tom stepped around the Baron and Nick to see what had happened. Immediately, he yanked his wand out and hurled a reductor curse at Peeves who skillfully dodged it. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?! GINNY WAS THE LAST PURE THING IN MY UNIVERSE, AND YOU KILLED HER!" He holstered his wand and leapt hands out towards Peeves.

The Baron stepped forward, and for the first time that Harry had known him, drew his sword from the scabbard. Moving so fast that nobody could see him, the Baron appeared between the two combatants. "Stop your petty babbling. What's done is done. Riddle, you know that better than anybody. Peeves, I know you are a creature of chaos, but for once in your eternity shut the fuck up. Go back to the Chamber now, when you can control yourself come back."

And to the amazement of everybody watching, Peeves actually obeyed, and meekly floated through the portrait hole. "As for you Riddle…"The Baron growled. "Keep calm, we need to deal with the body before the rest of the Gryffindors wake up, and it's almost dawn already."

"I'll do it." The Grey Lady said quietly. "We can repair the body, and preserve it and I'll possess it until we can properly fake her death."

"I'd never ask that of you Helena." The Baron responded. "One of the others of us can do it."

SMACK! The Grey Lady's hand connected violently with the side of the Baron's face. "You've never controlled me Baron, and I'll be damned if I let you start now."

She turned to Harry with an innocent smile, "Harry dear, would you help me fix this body and prepare it for inhabitation?"

He quickly complied, casting the spells that she whispered to him. Ginny's body was fully repaired, and preserved just as the first light of dawn shone into the common room. "Thank you Harry." She said. "The body looks fit for possession."

"Don't worry about it Grey Lady." Harry dismissed. "It was nothing."

The Grey Lady's eyes darted back and forth in indecision before speaking. "When I lived, I was Helena Ravenclaw. I ask that you use my given name."

As Harry stared in shock, Helena shifted her body into a gray mist that flooded the empty body's orifices. After a few moments, Helena spoke in a reasonable impression of Ginny's voice. "I'm going to go give this body a shower, I can still feel the gore under my clothes."

She disappeared up the stairs, and the rest of the Eternal Pranksters settled in to wait. The Baron just glared hatefully at the wall, occasionally rubbing his cheek. Tom and Myrtle were sitting on the loveseat, talking quietly, presumably about his reaction to Ginny's death. Nick had departed, claiming that Dumbledore would be suspicious if he wasn't in the Great Hall to watch the sunrise like he did every morning.

After several more minutes, the first of the Gryffindors began to trickle down. Alicia Spinnet of the quidditch team. As soon as she noticed what had been done to the common room, she screamed in frustration, before sprinting back up the stairs.

Within moments the entirety of Gryffindor House was gathered in the common room. "Look at this!" Screeched Alicia. "Look what they did to our house!"

"Who could have done this?" Neville asked. "Only teachers and Gryffindors know our password."

"Who the fuck do you think did it?" Ron shouted. "The entire fucking room is GREEN and SILVER. I'd bet my broom that Snape gave the Slytherins the password to our common room."

Just then Peeves' serpent emerged from one of the shadowed corners of the room. "THIS DORM BELONGS TO SLYTHERIN HOUSE!" It boomed. "LEAVE FOOLISH GRYFFINDORS!"

Most of the students fled at the sight of the gigantic serpent, leaving only Ron, the Twins, and Helena as Ginny. Hermione had already left to start her Prefect duties.

"It must have been Malfoy." Ron snarled. "Snape would give him anything he wanted, so I guarantee that he could have gotten the password."

One of the twins nodded, cracking his knuckles. "Let's give him some Weasley style payback. Gred, go get the Weasley section of Wheezes. The rest of you follow me to the Slytherin Common room, we're going to get our revenge."

Harry decided to hang back and wait to see the results of the Twins prank, rather than spoiling it for himself and seeing their setup.

He waited until several minutes after the second Weasley twin had left before speaking. "I'm going to go see the results of their prank. Baron, you and Myrtle need to go back to your daily routine, the Friar is going to be suspicious if he doesn't find you up in the Astronomy Tower clanking and groaning as usual. Myrtle, you need to go to your bathroom and keep up appearances."

Both ghosts nodded, and floated off to their respective haunts, Tom following closely behind Myrtle.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Harry floated down through the roof of the Slytherin dorms. Suddenly, a high pitched screech pierced the quiet. Malfoy sprinted into the common room, his hair was bright red, still plastered to his head from his shower. Freckles dotted his face, and he was hollering about a house elf.

Behind one of the couches, the twins shared a high five. "The hair is from the shampoo we swapped out." One explained.

"The freckles come from the facial cream we charmed." The other added.

"And I charmed his mirror to show a house elf in the reflection." Said Helena.

Ron simply stared in awe at them. "Wicked." He breathed. "He looks exactly like a Weasley!"

"Yup. But now watch this oh brother of mine." Said one of the twins. He gestured with his wand, and a flash of orange light hit Malfoy's bathrobe.

The robe twisted into a massive anaconda, Malfoy shrugged it off with a squeal, leaving him naked in the common room. "Look at the size of his dick!" Ron crowed. "It's smaller than my finger!"

"Of course you'd look there Ronniekins. You're probably trying to calculate if you could shove it up your ass." The twin on the left said.

Ron simply sputtered with rage, and the others turned their backs on him to watch Malfoy. He was sprinting around the common room shrieking. "IT'S GONNA EAT ME! STOP IT! IT WANTS MY BODY! IT'S GONNA EAT ME!"

He was surprisingly fast, and actually gained enough of a lead over the huge serpent to force the door to the hallway open, and sprint out into the corridor still naked. Eagerly, Harry followed him on the Nimbus, with the Weasleys and Helena right below him.

Malfoy was hurtling down the corridor, only to run smack dab into Professor McGonagall, knocking a stack of parchment to the floor. "Mr. Malfoy!" McGonagall reprimanded sharply. "Hogwarts dress code is very clear, robes must be worn while in the school proper. 20 points from Slytherin and two night's detention with Filch."

"B-b-b-b-b-b-but Professor! There's a snake behind me!" Malfoy stammered. "It's not my fault!"

"No excuses Mr. Malfoy. Tonight and tomorrow night with Filch 7pm exactly." McGonagall snapped sharply. "And do dress yourself properly for the occasion, I'm sure the first years appreciate the ego boost from seeing the pride of the Malfoy Family compared to themselves, but it's certainly not proper behavior."

Harry couldn't hold back a laugh, who'd have guessed that the stiff Head of Gryffindor had such a sense of humor? A sudden idea struck him, Mrs. Figg had used a laser pointer to amuse her cats on boring summer days. He hovered on the Nimbus until he had sunk into the ceiling, and only the point of his wand, and the broom stuck out from the wall.

"Lumos Rutilus!" Harry hissed. A thin red beam left his wand, and he felt a shudder of magic, and he felt the invisibility slip away. He swept the beam across the wall, and McGonagall's eyes darted to it instantly. As he swung the laser beam, her eyes followed closely, until she suddenly melted into a cat, and leapt at the light, batting at it with her paws.

Harry smirked, and aimed the laser at Malfoy's tiny dick, laughing as McGonagall attacked the light, and wincing as Malfoy's flesh shredded under her razor claws.

The Baron descended from the ceiling as Harry teased McGonagall with the light. "Potter, be careful." He warned. "Umbridge is already aware of the commotion you've caused. If she discovers you in this state then you will be exorcised from the castle, and she will remain in power."

Harry sighed, and then cut the magic off to the spell. "Gather the others Baron, and meet me in the Great Hall, I'd bet anything that Fudge will be paying a visit to the castle tonight."

The Baron nodded sagely, before floating off through the ceiling. Harry willed himself invisible and mounted the broomstick, before speeding off through the wall towards the Great Hall.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Dinner was in full swing by the time Harry arrived. He hadn't realized how much of the day was taken up by pranking Malfoy and McGonagall. The rest of the Pranksters, save for Helena entered the hall shortly after him. They all exchanged nods, except for Peeves who waved eagerly. Nick pointed at Umbridge who was eagerly checking her watch, before dropping his invisibility and joining the Gryffindor table.

BANG! The massive wooden doors of the Great Hall were flung open, standing in the doorway flanked by a dozen Aurors was Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge.

"DUMBLEDORE!" Fudge shouted flinging his cloak off and letting it and his signature bowler hat fall to the floor. "I've left you in charge of this school long enough!" The dull roar of the students' dinnertime clamor died off at the Minister's proclamation.

"Once again under your so called _care, _the scion one of Britain's greatest and most prestigious families has been injured. Four years ago, the Boy-Who-Lived clashed with a Defense against the Dark Arts professor that _you_ personally hired! Since then, Hogwarts has continued to fall! Young Harry was injured on the quidditch pitch due to a bludger that you failed to check for enchantments. Gilderoy Lockhart, one of Wizarding Britain's national treasures had his memory wiped in the catacombs of the school. Somewhere that you consistently reassured me didn't even _exist_." The Minister spat.

"And yet what happened? The daughter of Ministry employee was attacked by the monster inhabiting the Chamber, and yet again the scion of House Potter nearly died under your care." Harry found himself silently cheering for the pudgy Minister. After the articles in the Daily Prophet in the summer, he never expected to agree with Fudge, yet he nodded along with every point the Minister made.

"Less than a year later, you refused to allow my dementors entrance to your school, even after it was proven that the fugitive Sirius Black had taken refuge in the castle. Potter and his friends were hit with a Confundus charm so powerful that they claimed Black was innocent for months! Severus Snape, a respected professor and Potions Master almost lost his life defending the students against Black's rampage, and the resulting attack of werewolf Remus Lupin." Fudge had marched up the long Hall, and was standing before the Head Table shouting directly at Dumbledore.

"I'm not even going to touch that fiasco of a Tournament last year that resulted in the death of a student, and the temporary insanity of another! And now it has come to my attention that not only was Scion Malfoy injured, he has been rendered a Eunuch by your own Transfiguration professor." The gasp of shock from the students was in perfect unison, this was the first that anybody had heard of the extent of Malfoy's injuries. "Not to mention, that Professor Snape recently pointed out that Harry Potter hasn't been seen in days, and was in fact, was last seen on his way to _your_ office by Professor Umbridge."

When Fudge resumed speaking it was in a far calmer tone. "You are on a very thin rope Dumbledore, give me one reason that I should let you remain head of the castle."

Every member of the Eternal Pranksters had by now turned invisible, and most were shaking with silent laughter. Harry couldn't contain himself, he hated Fudge, but that didn't compare to how much he despised Dumbledore.

"Now Cornelius." A clearly rattled Dumbledore said shakily. "Let's retire to my office and discuss this like gentlemen. All this excitement is not good for the students' wellbeing."

"No." Fudge's voice was quiet yet powerful. "You've manipulated the students for long enough Dumbledore, we discuss this here. Why should you remain Headmaster?"

"I have history on my side Cornelius." Dumbledore warned. "Never has a Minister been able to remove a Headmaster from the castle. He must go through the Governors, and they would nev—" He was cut off as Fudge shoved a scroll at him.

"That scroll is signed by all of the Governors. It won't let me remove you from the castle yet, but I can put stipulations on your position." He declared triumphantly.

"_Here they are, as decreed by the Governors, and the High Inquisitor of Hogwarts Dolores Umbridge. Minerva McGonagall is stripped of her position and fired from Hogwarts, effective at dawn tomorrow never again can she be trusted around our future generation." _

"_The position of Transfiguration professor is to be filled by Apolline Delacour, the wife of France's head of the DMLE, and a renowned Transfiguration Mistress in her own right. She will arrive in time for the first classes Monday morning."_

"_The position of Head of Gryffindor House is to be given to Septima Vector. Her duties begin immediately."_

"_Every professor is to undergo inspection by the Hogwarts High Inquisitor, and should they be found lacking be banned from the castle." _

"_The Headmaster must write a report regarding the week's events every Friday and present it to the High Inquisitor by midnight. Failure to do so will result in immediate termination." _

"_Auror Grade 3 Nymphadora Tonks has been assigned to the school to help the Caretaker and the High Inquisitor, as well as provide an additional level of security for the school."_

"_And lastly, every course in Hogwarts is to be given an assistant professor to help in the day to day teachings of the course, as well as be groomed to replace the current professor should the need arise. Every assistant professor is responsible for two of Hogwarts' courses." _

Fudge rolled the scroll back up, and tucked it into his robes.

"Out of respect to your position Headmaster, you may choose your assistant professors, but they will be subject to the same rigorous testing that the professors will endure from the High Inquisitor." Fudge locked eyes with Dumbledore. "Make no mistake Dumbledore, if you screw up even one more time, then we will strip of your office. As you didn't know of the reports before today, you are granted a 24 hour reprieve, Dolores will be expecting your report tomorrow evening. Good day."

He turned away from Dumbledore, and with the Aurors flanking him once again, marched out of Hogwarts.

"Dumbledore." McGonagall gasped. "He can't be serious. He can't send me out of Hogwarts, I've taught here since 1956! Hogwarts is my home!"

Dumbledore's soft blue eyes met hers over the rim of his glasses. "I'm afraid he can Minerva. The balance of power has shifted once more, and I fear that this time there will be nothing to stop Cornelius from taking Hogwarts as his own. Pack your bags Minerva, you can go and stay at my summer home, or at one of the numerous other properties I have. You will not be penniless Minerva."

Harry gestured to the other Pranksters, and they quickly departed for the Chamber.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

As soon as they had gathered in the cover of Salazar's hideaway, Harry burst out laughing: "Did you all see that too? Dumbledore is on ice thinner than what's left of Malfoy's prick!"

The Baron snorted. "Had you consulted the rest of us prior to joining the Gryffindors for their foolhardy prank, I'd have suggested you carve up his face too. Merlin knows that the fuckard deserved it."

Myrtle started to say something, but was cut off by Tom clamping his hand over her mouth. "Sorry love." He whispered. "But shh! Does anyone else hear that?"

A loud clanging echoed down towards the main chamber. "Harry!" A voice came. "Harry are you down here?"

"Shit!" Harry whispered. "Its Hermione, and I'll bet she has Ron with her. Everybody shut the fuck up now, and turn invisible!"

"Damnit!" Ron's voice came. "This door is locked too."

"Probably the same parseltongue lock as the one upstairs." Hermione added. "Step back, we'll have to blast through again. CONFRINGO!"

Shards of metal rained down into the Chamber. "Got it. Come on Ron, and do try to keep up."

"Harry!"

"Harry!"

"You in here mate?" Ron's voice was thick with emotion.

The duo came down the ladder to find the seemingly empty chamber. Every one of the Pranksters immediately stiffened, not even pretending to breathe.

"HOMENUM REVILIO!" Hermione shouted out suddenly. The room flashed blue, signifying its emptiness.

"Damnit!" Ron choked out, falling to his knees. "This was our last, best shot. He's not on the map, and this is the only place within 50 miles of here not on the map. Either he ran away, or…"

"He's gone." Hermione finished. "Let's go Ron, this place just feels _wrong._"

The ghosts watched as Harry's friends slowly left the Chamber in silence. It was several minutes until finally Tom spoke. "Well Harry, what are you going to do? With both you and Ginny dead, Fudge will surely shut down the school." Despite his earlier reaction, Tom's voice held no malice towards Peeves, just a simple statement of fact.

_What am I going to do?_

**Oh boy, what is he going to do? You guys always have the answers if I can't think of anything. That was a fuckload of fun to write, writing as a pompous prick like Fudge is a blast! Who do you want to step up as assistant professors, I already have my list, but if I like your idea better, I could be persuaded to swap out. **

**Unfortunately, I've run out of chapter outlines, so the next update will take a little longer, as I'm going to take a short break from writing. I go back to school on August 25, and hopefully the next chapter is up before then. See y'all soon! **

**-BETA out!**


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